Felt a familiar tingle last evening. Heard a familiar voice telling me its time to fall in love…again!
But I can’t! I just can’t!
I didn’t plan for this rendezvous. It was one of those last minute plans coming together. ‘G’ called up in the afternoon and I invited him home for beer and dinner. We sat chatting up through the night on all manner of things – road trips past and future, relationships, Tindr dating and all that. But somewhere between the 2nd pint and the 4th, I heard that familiar annoying inner voice telling me that the middle aged gentleman sitting across the table was the one meant for me.
“He is THE one Maya! Go to him!”
I had gone through this 7 years ago. And that time, I made the cardinal mistake of listening to my inner voice – a mistake that pushed me into depression, destroyed my professional career and nearly drove me to suicide! The past 7 years are all a blur – 7 lost years spent chasing a mirage! 7 years of my life that I am never going to get back! Can I really afford to listen to my inner voice again?
‘G’ and me can be a good match. He is professionally well settled and has maturity and sensitivity that is rare for guys in this age. We have many shared interests too. I may get all the equipment through HRT and surgery. BUT – I will never be a cis-woman! Can he see through the exterior and love the woman within? From experience, I very much doubt this happening. And even if he does, does he have the strength to face society and his family about this? Again doubt that very much.
IMO: All guys have a set notion of how and when they want their marriage to go. Set notions of what kind of woman they want to settle down with. Nothing wrong with it – its just the way it is! I know I can make him very happy – but I can never, NEVER fit into that image he seeks!
Hence I think its time to ask my inner voice to shut the fuck up and clip these emotions in the bud. I cannot get hurt again.
As for the future – que sera sera! 😐