Dec 24 2018

Once a cheater, Always a cheater!

Not all men are the same!

But yes! One lesson I have learnt in life is that Once a man has cheated, there is a good chance he will do it again.

As a trans-woman, you learn to let a lot of things slide! So what if your man is not completely perfect? Accept him – faults and all! Atleast that’s what I thought!

I was in a relationship with a straight man for 3 years – 4 if we count the period when it was a one way thing from my side. When we first became intimate, he told me very clearly that while we were a good match and that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, ultimately he would have to get married to a cis-woman because that’s what Indian men are destined to do. Get married and have kids and have a “normal” life. I appreciated his honesty and was perfectly ok with the “Friends with benefits” kind of connection we shared. I was desperate for intimacy (not sex) and I was glad to get it in whatever form I could.

He did have a steady girlfriend that I knew about – “D” – his colleague. They were to get married in a year. But I found out there were others – a girl he had gone to school with 2 decades back, the wife of a common friend and so on. When I asked him in jest about these other women, he would get super defensive and insist that they were just one time flings that happened before he met either me or “D” and he was “just friends” with them now. I believed him then. In any case, I wasn’t heavily invested in that relationship at that point. He was just a Friend with benefits.

Then inexplicably, he broke off with “D” quite abruptly. They had been seeing each other for 2 years and their parents had even met up to fix the match. The way he broke off with “D” was quite rude – he dropped her off at Bangalore Airport. He didnt talk to her about ending the relationship or why he was doing it! He just stopped picking her phone calls or responding to her messages! That was his way of breaking off a relationship he had for 2 years! The poor girl had no clue what was coming! I thought it was quite rude and inappropriate but I kept it to myself. It should have been the warning bell for me to get out, but I stayed. In retrospect – the stupidest thing to do!

The next year was the best for me. Suddenly I had him all to myself! He spent every free minute of his time with me. He even introduced me to his friends circle and his family. I got along famously with his Maa. When he was shopping for a house, he insisted on taking me along with his mother to check out houses. I was on cloud 9 assuming that what had started off as FWB was turning into a relationship. It was all a mirage – I just couldn’t see it then.

I got a call from “D” a few months later and we met up at a pub in Bangalore. She told me she knew about this other woman. I assumed she was referring to me. But she was referring to someone else – “N” – a common friend I had been introduced to earlier. She was clearly bitter about the way her relationship ended and that part I totally understood but I thought “D” was mistaken. She was not as it turned out. “D” said something about him in closing that stuck in my craw –
“Once a cheater, always a cheater”!

A year later, I was shifting to a new city for a year long assignment. Before I left, we went on a roadtrip (his plan). We had even discussed the possibility of him shifting to Delhi for a year. It was a fantastic roadtrip and I certainly had a great time. We plan to meet up again at a pub the next day and… pooof! He’s gone! Just like that! He didn’t formally end the relationship! There was no “breakup” meeting! One moment, he was in my life, the next moment he was gone! He just stopped picking up my calls or responding to my messages. It was THAT convenient! It was exactly the way he broke up with his last girlfriend. And the one before that! He just fled from a relationship like it was a crime scene!

I don’t have any regrets that my relationship with him ended. I had no expectations as such. A straight Indian man will want to eventually get married to a cis-woman, have kids and lead a “normal” life. As a trans-woman, I had a limited scope to play in that scenario. So I am not upset that it ended. I am upset that it ended the way it did. He could have talked to me about it. About moving on! He didn’t! He just fled like it was a crime scene! It showed he didn’t respect the relationship we shared. Or me for that matter.

He did get married to “N”. And since we move about in the same professional circles, I know he has been cheating on her. Hear it is headed for a divorce.

Not all men are the same. But yes – Once a man has cheated and realises how easy it is to get away with it, he is likely to do it again. And the SOP remains the same every time! Important to understand this when we get into a relationship so we are prepared and don’t hurt ourselves.

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