Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. So different set of rules for both huh?
Is that how relationships are meant to be?
“D” & “S” met at a school reunion in 2006. What started out as a one night stand blossomed into a relationship that culminated in marriage 2 years later. 6 years and 2 kids later, they seemed like the perfect couple to everyone around: a perception reinforced by the lovey-dovey pictures posted regularly on instagram.
So most were shocked when they heard news of “S” moving out with the kids back to her parents place in Bangalore. “D” accused the wife of being unfaithful – an allegation that many took at face value. So what happened?
Apparently, there were the kind of problems typically seen in relationships after things have settled down. Communication reduces and after a point just breaks-down. Negative patterns of behavior get reinforced with repetition further deepening the chasm. Instead of turning to each other, both look outwards for emotional & physical succour. There is some initial guilt at cheating on a partner but that tends to dissipate after a while.
The straw that finally broke this relationships back was “S”‘s decision to meet up with her ex while on a business trip to Kolkata. She informed her husband of her plan to meet her ex and his wife while she was on the trip. She saw this as honesty, he read this as insolence. “D” tells her it wouldn’t be a good idea because “mummy wont like it”. “S” sees this as another example of her man using his mother as a cover for his own narrow-mindedness. While in Kolkata, “S” meets up with her ex and his new bride anyway, and even lets “D” know about it on their daily evening call. Again, “S” sees this as being honest, “D” interprets this as insolence. Within minutes of her landing back in Pune, “D” asks her to look for a place and move out. “Mummy is very upset” you see. “S” doesn’t even get the time to tell him she is expecting! Tragic? Completely avoidable? Yes!
Both sides made mistakes. Both were equally responsible for the breakdown of communication and the negative behavior patterns I spoke of earlier. But what strikes me is the brazen double standard in “D”‘s outlook. The one, and only example of “S”‘s “infidelity” he has to offer is her meeting her ex – something she herself told him.
“What about your chakkars” I ask. “Have you been honest about your relationships as she has been with you?”
“ummm… the one in Delhi for example?”
“THAT is different! and THAT doesnt count!”
“Why??? and WHY?”
“Because Its different for men.”
Aaah! Mystery solved. The rules in any relationship are different for men & women!! I was thinking all wrong! Whats sauce for the goose is NOT sauce for the gander! Men are biologically programmed to be promiscuous no? Can you even call it cheating? He would have told her if he was cheating, but he wasn’t!
Because modern progressive men never cheat! They just make up the rules as they go along. Apparently it doesn’t count as cheating if you are hooking up with an ex-flame on a strictly O-N-S basis. It doesn’t count if the activity has “not violated the marital bed” (WTF). It doesnt count if its with a hooker. It doesn’t count if the activity is purely physical with no emotional baggage. It doesn’t count if you have been responsible and been taking ‘good care’ of your wife/GF’s financial and other needs. And ofcourse, it doesn’t count if its Bangkok or Goa! 🙄
Ofcourse, I must clarify that these are the rules for men and these are continuously evolving. The only rule for women is that they should be loyal to their better-halves. A man can have as many fucks as he wants: thats his privilege as a man but he expects his woman to be 100% loyal to him and him alone. You see, even our religious scriptures say this very clearly: a womans pussy is a field that only the legal owner, ie the husband/betrothed may plow. Tindr or that cute yoga instructor are not temptations you should be indulging in girl! Your world begins and ends with HIM. “Main Tulsi tere aangan ki”? THAT is your ideal!
I dont understand straight people very much – perhaps because my people have simpler fundas in place. I personally place a higher premium on emotional fidelity than physical fidelity. I consider it very important to build and maintain communication & transparency with a partner. I would not want to wear a mask with a friend, why would I want to wear one with the most important person in my life? And most important, What is right by me, is also right by him. And what is wrong for him, is also wrong for me!
But then again, what do we mo’s know? The religious books look down on our durachaari way of life and have condemned us to a post-life in hell!
PS: This climax scene from the film ASTITVA is very relevant in the context of this post. Mahesh Manjrekar nails it with his brilliant screenplay!