Feb 23 2017

Gender Confusion

Its been over a year now since I got the diagnosis! And its not been easy dealing with the aftermath!

But this is something I have to find a way to deal with.

I was told by my former therapist last year that i show signs of “Gender Dysphoria“. I didn’t know what it meant then. I do now. And its been a difficult truth to acknowledge. This is the story of my journey so far.

I started getting symptoms of serious depression around late 2012. It coincided with the rapid deterioration in my first and only serious relationship. Work started getting affected negatively and I knew I needed help. Friends suggested getting therapy. So I did. Went religiously every Wednesday to meet her. Didn’t help. If anything, it got progressively worse. I got the feeling that she was keeping something from me. Paranoia perhaps, as friends pointed out. Given the situation, I thought it would make sense to put some distance between me and the situation (meaning HIM) and moved to Delhi.

Putting a physical distance helped to a degree. But Delhi was a strange town for me. No friends to speak of. No one to talk to. No one to hang out with. No one to go on road-trips with. All things that help ease the pain. I went into extreme mood swings – somedays I was exceptionally chirpy, other days I would go into extended brooding. I almost took to drinking alone. Fortunately, that’s not something that comes naturally to me.

Had been off therapy for a while. But I had kept in touch with my old therapist – turns out she was dating a close friend! On one of the roadtrips we took together, she strongly suggested restarting therapy, and even recommended a therapist in Delhi. The loss of a close friend to suicide finally convinced me to listen to her advice. Didn’t help! I had to go through 2 hours of Delhi traffic each way for the sessions. But I did it religiously for 3 months and found it was going nowhere. Even tried hypno-therapy and regression and funky stuff like that. Didn’t help.

Things were getting desperate. My professional career had gone for a toss. I was flat broke but still living beyond my means. And the deteriorating financial situation kind of compounds the depression. It was a vicious cycle. It had been a long downward descent from 2011 when i was running a successful tech-startup! Losing yet another friend to suicide in Jan-2015 bought things to a head. I was petrified of ending up the same way. I had to get to the root of what was troubling me. Find a way out.

I am not proud of what I did to get my former therapist to open up. But I finally got it out of her on a roadtrip to the jungle in Feb-2015. I didn’t really know what “Gender Dysphoria” meant – I assumed it was some fancy-pants way of saying “Homo Disease”. Finally managed to read about it when i got back in internet range.

And I was devastated. It all made perfect sense. But the truth left me absolutely devastated. The reasoning behind my quest to find the truth was so I could deal with it like an adult. But how was I going to deal with THIS? It would be a long, and expensive road to take to deal with the situation. There was no easy way to do this. But how many of my friends would stay when they found out? How would my parents & relatives react? Didn’t want them to go through hell because of my shit!

Sharing my situation with a friend helped alleviate a lot of the fear. Frankly, those 2 hours talking with him helped more than the 100’s of hours of paid sessions with the therapists! I found the strength to pick up the pieces and try to find a way forward. And yes, shifted back home.

And today, I finally found the courage to write about it.

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